Who You Are When No One is Looking

In January 2006, Mr. Nick Flynn made an unforgettable visit to the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge, England. Though completely unaware, at some point during a tour of priceless artifacts, his shoelaces became untied. While descending a staircase, he tripped over his laces and fell headlong into a vase from the Qing Dynasty, circa 1662.

Smashing one vase would have been bad enough, but the first vase started a domino effect, thereby smashing two more. All told, museum curators estimated the destroyed vases to have been worth more than $100,000.

Fortunately for Mr. Flynn, he was not required to reimburse the museum but was temporarily banned from future visits. The handcrafted vases had managed to survive 400 years of fallen dynasties and transportation to Cambridge, but in a matter of moments, they were shattered beyond repair.

It occurs to me that personal integrity is similar to a valuable vase. It can be crafted and displayed for a lifetime but broken in an instant. In this article, I want to discuss why this is so and how we can successfully hold on to it for the long haul.

Integrity has to do with honesty and truthfulness. A person with integrity adheres consistently and without compromise to a set of moral standards regardless of their circumstances. As someone once told me, “Integrity is who you are when no one is looking.”

Scripture is replete with references to integrity and its importance in the life of a believer. Proverbs 12:22 reminds us, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Paul encouraged his disciple, Titus, to “Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity (Titus 2:7).

I think every believer agrees that maintaining our integrity is the right and proper thing to do, but we find it difficult to do so consistently. Why is that? Primarily, it’s because we are fallen creatures who are naturally bent toward sin. It doesn’t help matters, either, that the enemy of our souls is constantly looking for opportunities to make us stumble.

There is another reason, though, that I believe plays a much more prominent role than we realize: the power of denial. We all want to think of ourselves in the best possible light and are repulsed at the notion we could be a liar, a hypocrite, a less-than-honorable person. Without even realizing it, we become masters of rationalization and self-justification, and as a result, we are increasingly blind to our dishonesty and compromise.

With unsettling accuracy, the psalmist sums up our situation: “I have a message from God in my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before their eyes. In their own eyes they flatter themselves too much to detect or hate their sin (Psalms 36:1-2).” In other words, we become blind to our own sin, choosing to see false righteousness before God. Even in this regard, the old saying that practice makes perfect is lamentably true. More often than not, the “practice” takes place regarding small things. A little white lie here, a shading of the truth there, and before we know it, we become adept at overlooking our dishonesty. The compounding effect of dishonesty in many small things is the inevitable loss of integrity in something big, something so blatant it can’t be ignored and is often accompanied by shame and humiliation. The notion that we had a firm grip on our integrity was just an illusion.

Several years ago, I met with three other pastors for breakfast each Wednesday morning. We gathered to encourage, pray for one another, and most importantly, hold each other accountable to a standard of biblical integrity, particularly around financial matters and sexual purity. I looked forward to our meetings and became close friends with each pastor. Outside of our group time, we would get together for dinners with our wives, go on the occasional golf outing, and even have an annual fishing trip. Beyond our fellowship, though, I was grateful for our group for the spiritual safety it provided. More than once, the thought of having to confess sin to my brothers was enough motivation for me to back away from and resist temptation.

I’ll never forget the Wednesday morning when two members of the group didn’t show up. As the other pastor and I were wondering where they might be, one of them arrived with a sad look on his face. He was in tears as he told us how the fourth member had called him in the middle of the night to say he was leaving the pastorate. It had come to light that for the last year, he had been having an affair with a church member. Things followed a familiar pattern: a lingering conversation, inappropriate emotional sharing, and secret communication. All the little transgressions led to a point of no return.

I felt kicked in the gut. However, my pain was the least of many terrible consequences to follow: a broken family, a church split, and one more reason for unbelievers to avoid the Kingdom.

Sadly, there’s nothing unique about this story. It’s a well-worn path that too many leaders in the church have followed. What are we to do? In a broken world that is constantly trying to bring us down, how do we hang on to genuine righteousness throughout our lives? It’s not impossible. We, too, can respond to the call God gave Abraham to “walk before me faithfully (Genesis 17:1)”.